Twilight Mist

21:07:18 With the collapse of DCS, then eventually Irreality, and the decline of LiveJournal and finally MySpace, the internet entered what I like to call the Era Of Mainstreamers. Facebook, toted to be this great social platform has in fact killed social communication. Facebook took what was intimate and made it a selling commodity. I don’t have to talk to my friends cause I know what they are doing 24/7. Blogs disappeared because status updates became a way of microblogging.

Facebook ruined the internet, for me at least, ruined what once was. And I miss those days, I miss the intimacy of LJ and forums, of discussions about things we were passionate about, I miss being uncensored, of being able to be as expressive as I want without fear of being banned for my efforts. I miss the old days.

What I miss the most though, is my LJ. I have a copy of it here in my laptop, occasionally I look back with fond memories of people who are still very much a part of my life. I miss the therapeutic side of just writing the shit out of my head. The Fields in not the place for it, and countless blogs have fallen on their face as I have tried to mimic what I had with LJ.

This morning I am playing GRW, and I realise I am writing another “letter” in my head. For the billionth time I wish I had an email address to send it to, as I sigh and think oh well another unwritten letter to realise to the Wildlands. It was than that I realised how I had to do it.

Write the letters that will never be sent, likely never be read, release them to the Wildlands of Words. It doesn’t matter though, because these letters are about me, about my journey. The words are demeaning to be free, to be realised from within. And so it shall be.

EmJay.

20:07:18 Everything in my life is changing. I like usual, I’m trying not to be rash, not to make outlandish plans that will never come to fruit. My heart hurts and my head thumps with cold hard truths about my life and myself. I thought I had finally left the crossroads, found the future I’d dreamt of for eternity. It seems though that that life is not for me, and it’s time to set aside those expectations.

I watched Strange Factories, a film by Foolish People, tonight. Haven’t watched it since it was released but it had a profound and lasting impact. Watching it again, and having also recently watched Foolish People’s latest film Armageddon Gospels (which is yet to be realised, so put it on your to watch list) I expect the dreams to reawakened and direction to find its way. Armageddon Gospels already awoke the dream, but it is in Strange Factories that I know the way of the ritual will be made clear.

So while I am feeling lost at the crossroads, and sad and a bit broken, I am also confident that this is where I am meant to be, and that the way I am meant to go will be obvious to me. For the first time in forever, I once again feel like I am on the edge of something wonderful … and this time round my wings are free.

EmJay.

19:07:18 Day two. I am tired. I don’t feel like writing but I am here anyways. My body hurts, my pain is constant. My last three surgeries, all major ops, were to relieve major factors in my battle against chronic pain. In all three cases while the initial pain factor is gone, the pain it has left in it’s wake is much worse. Or I have built up a tolerance to the previous pain and am yet to do so with these new ailments. Chronic pain is exhausting, and I am just too tired to talk about it right now.

At the moment my plan is get through Friday. After 2 pm Friday I can come home, put my pj’s on and hibernate for the entire weekend, and by god I am looking forward to that. The plan is no plan. I am looking forward to some quality peace and quiet.

I have to say I am also loving no Facebook. I definitely love no messenger. My girl friends have been picking up the phone and calling me, and I have to say hearing their voices is so much better then liking their posts and the occasional message. It’s putting the human side back into our friendships. I need to make a call roster so I stay in touch (cause unreliable af).

I certainly am not missing the drama, the back stabbing and the general anxiety that comes with FB. I honestly thought I would always be on it, but it is so toxic, its Egregore is so sick it can never be recovered. I don’t want to be tapped into that. My life is already better and richer for it. It ruins friendships and relationships, it seems to be it’s default purpose, to cause discord and division. I don’t want to be a part of that any longer.

My dreams have returned. Long have they been gone. The house came back first, multiple times, than slowly, the birds. The desert now meets a lush green jungle. I haven’t been there before, I am excited to see where that path will lead me. Too long my dreams have been dead. The return of my dreaming signals to me that I am once again, walking the road I am meant to walk. With that said, dream time is upon me …

EmJay.

18:07:18 I wasn’t sure about putting a journal type feature in, but as I was going back through some of my older journals I can to realise that it is here, in free writing, in letting my mind just roam, that some of my best writing occurs. I have also decided to run this as one continuous post, something about the idea of doing it that way appeals to me. Not sure how great an idea it will be, but the brilliant thing is if I don’t like it, I can change it. This WP is very much a work in progress. I have set myself a year to get it to where I am happy with it. I suck at timelines but this site is something I really want to do.

Small goals.

I’d like to write a lot more, but I have also promised myself to start sleeping properly again, to look after and love me, to read before bed, to let my mind relax, to day dream and woolgather before I close out for the night. I am setting myself breakable rules, since that is the only way I can succeed (nothing is ever set in stone). Mostly because if the muse is alight and wants to write, so be it. But tonight I am tired. I had a huge day with my daughter and I am exhausted on all levels.

But, I made a start, and that in itself is a goal met, and I can be happy with that. So until tomorrow …

EmJay.